After Sholay: Veeru's story

Black money ok for credit card

2006-02-22T11:32:40Z

Today I got a call from Sonu from ICICI asking if I wanted a credit card at 2pm. I said no.

I got a call from Sonu at ICICI again at 4pm!! Ok...

Sonu: Sir this is regarding credit card.
Veeru: Ok
Sonu: Sir Are you interested?
Veeru: I am very inerested. I am dying to have your credit card.
Sonu: What is your salary?
Veeru: I can't tell you.
Sonu: Why, Sir?
Veeru: It's all black money.
Sonu: ...Disconnects...

She calls AGAIN in 2 minutes saying "yes, sir, you said you wanted credit card, no?" I suspect she talked to her boss and he must have told her black money was no problem in issuing a card.

India specific ideas

2005-12-06T13:30:03Z

Someone just created a site http://indiagram.com which copies del.icio.us for India. Not sure if it makes much sense, but there you have it - they have all the features including the most effective Popular links page.

Killing the telemarketing industry

2005-12-06T03:39:42Z

I am getting tired of receiving 3 calls everyday from various people trying to sell me credit cards. I want to kill the telemarketing industry. And I think I have found the way to do it without getting my hands messy.

This industry is surviving because they probably spend Rs 30 making a hundred calls and one of them wants the card. They send a sales rep to that person (spending Rs 10 in petrol) and get Rs 150 or some such incentive in return, for a net profit of Rs 110.

If all hundred people ask for the rep to come, but do not sign on, the marketer will spend 1030 but make only 150, so he will hopefully be driven into the red. And that is the way... But, of course, you do not want to deal with the sales rep yourself.

Which suggests another idea. Find the address of the most annoying person you know and give the address of THAT person when you ask for the rep to visit. Two birds with one stone! The only thing to ensure is that the marketer does not know your name. And if they dont, tell them you are the person who is your intended victim!

So, next time the call comes, I am going to first ask if they know my name and if they dont, to croon all delightedly and welcome the rep to someone else's home. I urge you to do the same and skew the numbers of this industry enough to kill them - it's the only way to be sure!

Gen. Publik

2005-05-24T08:31:12Z

vijayr told this story. He along with a group of his minions were doing a march to promote awareness about illiteracy and get people interested in their efforts. Some "geezer" (40 years old) came up and started creating a ruckus about why the signs were all in English.

Everyone pointed out to him that the Kannada, Tamil, Hindi etc signs were coming later and would be displayed just as prominently but it was not enough to placate him. Someone got irritated and asked him who he was. The reply: I am the General Public, with a finger pointing to his stomach.

Which gives me an idea for a character. Gen. Publik will be a crime-fighting ex-serviceman superhero who promotes literacy in Indian languages, is vehemently opposed to the English domination of India's cultural landscape and is also a recovering alcoholic. In his free time, he plays tennis, collects stamps and tickles cauliflowers. He could have an extra-martial and extra-logical affair with Tulsi and/or Parvati from the Balaji Telefilms family of serials. Jassi/Jessica will be his arch-nemesis since she is the stereotype for the Asian obsession with Firang-ness especially the Firang image.

Ideas solicited for various adventures that Gen. Publik could have.

Who should play the avenging assassin-mother

2005-03-08T16:48:41Z

Looking for casting suggestions for my movie at http://www.livejournal.com/community/aaj_sholay/19743.html

The return of the Retrosexual

2004-12-29T13:28:43Z

From looking at the dictionary.com definition of retro, you snicker and think retrosexual is something kinky.

retro- prefix
1. Backward
2. Situated behind
3. Contrary to a usual or natural course or direction

Thankfully, you are wrong, you dirty pervert.

Joseph Farah explains what he means by applying that term to himself. Here is an excerpt -

For starters, I believe in paying for dinner. I believe in opening the door for my wife – or other ladies. I believe in giving up my seat on a bus or train for a woman. I believe in smoking cigars – even if it means sneaking them and puffing outside because wives and daughters frown upon the smell. Retrosexual men never use more hair and skin products than a woman. My shaving needs consist of a disposable safety razor, the cheaper the better, a shaving brush and a bar of soap. The bar of soap comes in particularly handy because it can double as shampoo if my wife happens to be using something pink or expensive.

Later, he goes crazy and changes this into a diatribe against same-sex marriage and the unwashed heathens - feel free to roll your eyes at those bits.

Frankly, all non-DavidBeckham men are tired of marketing-orcs who think they can sell lipstick and nailpolish to men.

Here is Dave Barry's take on the death of this manufactured trend. Read his 2004 in review for other targets he punctures.

In lifestyle news, the hot trend is "metrosexuals" -- young males who are not gay, but are seriously into grooming and dressing well. There are only eight documented cases of males like this, all living in two Manhattan blocks, but they are featured in an estimated 17,000 newspaper and magazine articles over the course of about a week, after which this trend, like a minor character vaporized by aliens in a Star Trek episode, disappears and is never heard from again.

Some more links

The origins of the word - http://www.wordspy.com/words/retrosexual.asp
The hilarious retrosexual code (check out the comments too) - http://www.frizzensparks.com/archives/000104.html. BTW, their politics is just as entertaining as their humor, so don't read too much into it.
The "trend" is stillborn - http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1171661,0050.htm
My extensive research on the topic, all organized into a nice web page - http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=UTF-8&fr=sfp&p=retrosexual

CM Dharam Singh finally yawns

2004-12-14T11:55:49Z

Gartner released a report today saying the Bangalore and Mumbai run a huge danger of being overshadowed by Hyderabad, Chennai and Pune as destinations for IT outsourcers by 2010, because of better infrastructure.

When asked for his comments, the CM finally completed his yawn which he had been holding in check with an open mouth on the advice of astrologers for the last fourteen days. Read more...

mrs_sindia cometh

2004-12-13T13:39:11Z

Now that mogambo is here to torment Bangaloreans, can mr_india be far behind?

Well, ok, not exactly. Bangalore's answer to the scourge of Mogambo is not what you expected... It is Mrs_Sindia. She is a housewife. Her husband, Mr_Sindia, is a project manager with Infobro and is tired of people asking him if he is related to the ruling family of Gwalior.

She lived a quiet life as a good student and obedient housewife until the age of 32, when dr_octopus kidnapped her four-year old. He wanted mr_sindia to tell him the project management secrets of Infobro, so that Doc Ock could start his own IT-powered nation, but just like Dilip Kumar in Shakti, mr_sindia told him to get lost, because he had principles and also because he didn't know any secrets. Read more...

mogambo suffering from depression

2004-12-13T09:53:49Z

I ran into mogambo yesterday.

He was surfing the net in the morning for ~~porn~~ literature and he went to one of those perpetual pop-up sites. He is married to madame_x who takes a very dim view of visits to such sites. In his panic, he threw his laptop into the acid tank which he keeps for loyalty demonstrations by his staff. Read more...

I am blogging on the community aaj_sholay only

2004-12-04T09:20:21Z

Please replace me on your friend's list with aaj_sholay if you want to keep up with what the Sholay alumni are up to.

Interview with an astrologer

2004-11-27T07:54:39Z

I had posted a matrimonial for gabbar. I went to an astrologer today to draw up his horoscope.

I go into this dingy room and there is a 10-year old kid there. Here is how the dialog went...
Me: Where is the astrologer?
Kid: He has just gone out to get some air. Wait 5 minutes.
Me: Ok *fret fret fret fret*
(5 minutes are over)
Me: Where is he?
Kid: Do you have a cell phone? You can call him.
Me: But there is a phone on the desk.
Kid: Ok. (Calls the astrologer and hands me the phone.)
Astrologer: What language you know?
Me: Er... why? English, Hindi, some Tamil
Astrologer: Which country from?
Me: India only... *Isn't this guy supposed to know the future? At the very least he should be able to predict his own future business and clients*
Astrologer: Kidhar se aaya?
Me: (annoyed now) Why does it matter? When will you be back?
Astrologer: Today (it is Saturday) evening 7 pm.
Me: *He really takes his time getting his air!* Well, I will just come back later. What are your charges?
Astrologer: One hundred rupees.
Me: How much time can you make predictions for?
Astrologer: One hour
Me: *Huh? That doesn't sound much use. Oh, he meant a one-hour session.* Ok I will come back later.
Astrologer: Monday definite I will be there The guy CERTAINLY cannot predict his own future with any confidence
Me: Bye *click*
Kid: Leave your cell phone number.
Me: I am not giving it to you.
Kid: Just write it sir.
Me: (Exits)

So, gabbar dude, I am sorry but you are going to get your horoscope done yourself. I have lost faith in the noble profession of astrology.

Found the b^$t^rd

2004-11-26T09:19:48Z

The man who murdered my family in cold blood right in front of my eyes, separated me from my two younger brothers and forced me into a life of crime.

To top it all, he turned my younger brother into a hopelessly optimistic gawaiya-bhand, who hopes to be reunited with the two of us by singing "Yaadon ki baarat" every evening. I wonder how his audience tolerates the mindless repetition.

Anyway, shahar_ka_lion is the fellow I am talking about.

Matrimonial for very slightly ugly 42/M/Kshatriya dacoit

2004-11-26T05:51:12Z

My friend gabbar is now completely reformed and the Ramgarh alumni association has determined that the final step in his reformation is to find him a nice girl to settle down with him and keep control of him with an iron jhadoo in a velvet glove.

The boy is 42 years old, but looks only 40. Shaves infrequently, and has a tendency to shoot in triplicate - girl will have to keep the bullets away from him. Boy is independently wealthy, at least until LakshmanGarhwale continue to give anaaj. Boy is an MBA - Maha Bhayankar Apradhi, but a romantically wistful sort. Caste, age, sex, species no bar for the right girl. Actually one of those baar baar. If girl eats aata from same flour mill as the one Ramgarh waalas grind flour for their daughters at, it will be a bonus. Crispy limbs appreciated. Boy is a party-loving animal and girl may be required to cook for surviving members of his gang from time to time.

Mujhe Sambha, Mausiji, Jailor, Dhanno, Kalia chahiye

2004-11-25T07:02:39Z

Aur woh bhi zinda. And blogging karte hue. We are forming a Ramgarh Alumni Association at aaj_sholay.

Please help me locate all these folks. Thankfully swargiy_jai, gabbar, handsfreethakur, tangewaali and soormabhopali have already started blogging on lj, but the rest have not started. If you know them, could you please ask them to start blogging.

Your help in locating my friends will be really appreciated. I know I myself responded to a similar request once with "Thakur sahab, hum kaam sirf paison ke liye karte hain," but then I was a criminal at that time. Please help me for free.

The copy that is better than the original

2004-11-19T14:12:47Z

Here is how the concept of Sholay moved from original to copy in the filmspace. Look up the movies at http://www.imdb.com to see for yourself.

                Seven Samurai
                  /         \
                 /           \
                /             \
         Magnificent Seven     Yojimbo
        /      |          \
       /       |           \
      /        |            \
     /     Sholay          The Three Amigos
    /     /    \                         \
   /     /      \                         \
/     /        \                         \
Chinagate        Ramgarh ke Sholay       A Bug's life

Zeenat AMMA's best songs

2004-11-19T11:00:19Z

Got an sms from Airtel about downloading Zeenat Aman's best songs. They misspelt Aman as "Amman". I called their misspelling and raised by misparsing it as Amma. There is competition for Jayalalitha. Oh damn, am I going to be arrested for conspiracy to murder now?

Happy Ending: Part I

2004-11-15T15:47:24Z

This is a story I wrote for my college creative writing competition. I am posting it in two instalments. The first one follows.

The Birmingham University for Research into Psychiatric Phenomena! God, how I had wanted to be here. Only two months ago, I had joined as a lecturer at the Plazvestsia Institute of Telepsychological Studies.

The letter changed everything. "I am engaged in research into the programmability of animal emotion and behavior. Your previous work suggests that I have found the perfect collaborator in you. I hope it won't be presumptuous of me to invite you to work with me." This from Bigg. B. Rain. His shoulders supported the entire reputation of Birmingham University. I muttered and stammered incoherently to Prof. Strucklow about a sabbatical in Birmingham. He was amazed I would ask for it having worked only two months. But, eventually the force of Rain's name convinced him.

I looked at my watch. Ten past nine. Rain was not known to have ever been late for an appointment. His punctuality was legendary. I wondered what to do and started to rise, when the phone in Rain's office rang. Since his door was open, I walked in hesitantly and picked it up.

The voice on the other end sounded hysterically jolly and scared, all at once, like a worm trying to enjoy being squashed. It was Rain. "Sorry, Beatemall," he addressed me, "I can't meet you today. Busy busy busy! Too much to do. No time, no time. I am late. I will be late," he started laughing loudly. I was puzzled.

"You have to carry on my work and try to make sense of it. Bye, son!" he rang off. Weird. I gazed out absentmindedly from the balcony in front of his room. A man zipped past me in the air, not a foot away. Downwards he went, faster and faster. Laughing maniacally. In my desperation, I actually remember lunging with my arms, but he had fallen past.

And then he stopped.

The college building was eighteen stories high. I had seen the sight for the merest instant before turning away but I retched my guts out on the balcony.

For some reason, the nursery rhyme kept ringing in my head... Rain had gone away, and he was not coming again another day. Read rest of the instalment...

The LONG weekend: SATURDAY evening

2004-11-09T20:11:08Z

As it grew toward dusk, the question of who would sleep in which room came up. The Thakur came to me and said that as the protector of the village, he felt entitled to the master bedroom. I was formulating my response to this argument as a punch on the nose, but Thakur put his studded boots out and started glaring at me while muttering "ye pair bhi fansi ka fanda hain". Disgusted by the image of Gabbar and Thakur that this implied, I surrendered the room before the Thakur went postal on me. Mausiji installed herself in the study and would not allow anyone else in the room on the grounds that she needed peace and quiet to meditate on her spiritual questions (e.g. what is the true nature of comfort - Levis or Lees?). I realized I need a bigger home, I just cannot buy it. If only a house were like an apple - just pick one up while singing "ye dosti". Read more...

The LONG weekend: SATURDAY morning

2004-11-05T16:12:03Z

Thakur arrived on his horse today morning. We heard the neighing of his horse at 5am and Mausiji was loudly chanting her prayers in the jeans she borrowed from Basanti. He was carrying a cargo of 4 fighting roosters in a sack. He had tried to take them on a train and a bus but apparently the other people had objected to all the chicken-poop, so he had to get them here by horseback.

Knowing that he was bringing the roosters here for the famed Bhopal uber-rooster championship, I was skeptical of the wisdom of this idea. Complete article...

The LONG weekend: FRIDAY

2004-11-03T10:07:56Z

Mausiji arrived on Friday on the Bhopal Express. The train does not stop at Ramgarh, but she got them to stop the train in the traditional Ramgarh way by blocking the rail track with a pile of lumber. If Jai, me and Thakur had been on the train, we would just have accelerated through and blasted the pile, but thankfully, the driver was a saner man and stopped for long enough to let Mausiji get on the train. It took her twelve nephews a while to load Basanti's Tanga and Dhanno in the luggage compartment, but the other passengers cheerfully assured her that they did not mind the delay. Her nephews all have footlong whiskers and rifles on both shoulders since the villagers decided to arm themselves. She told us all the other travellers were very vocal about the absolute lack of inconvenience to them. Complete article...

Recovering from the weekend

2004-11-03T09:56:35Z

The dreaded long weekend actually went through with many hitches. But it is over and I have recovered from the hangover I had after drinking to recover from the events of the weekend.Complete article...

Bihari procedure?

2004-10-30T13:15:31Z

A friend at university told me about this internet today. Apparently it is a wealth of information. I enter the internet even when I write my diary here. He showed me some of the other things you can find here and it is quite amazing.

Sometimes it can be very scary too... today I found that "Bihari procedure" means something very different from what you think it means. Search for it on your favorite searchin genie but only if the thought of scalpels near the downtown area of the male anatomy does not make you curl up into a foetal ball.

Our neighbor Mr Masaalwade

2004-10-29T16:06:51Z

He just told me there aren't enough donkeys in Bhopal. Apparently there used to be lots of these majestic, meditative brutes lining the roads of his hometown and he is missing them out here.

Tafri

2004-10-29T09:09:29Z

Tafri is a popular Bhopali activity. It means walking with no particular destination in mind. The only goal is to waste time efficiently, returning to the starting stop in the maximum amount of time that would not be frowned upon by authority, namely the dad, the wife, or the boss. Everyday after college, the older students in my class go out together for tafri in New Market. As you know, I am 35 years old while most of the rest of the first year class is about 17. Thankfully, there are two other guys here who are about my age - Rikky bhayya and Mr Ghatotkach. Complete article...

Why do they retire these jailors?

2004-10-28T10:34:04Z

I had gone with the rest of my B.A. English (Without Honors) class to the New Market in T.T.Nagar to have some idlis and ice cream and check out the pretty girls. I was walking through the gali behind the Top N Town parlor and I noticed this strange sign "Jailor Tailor and Suitor". Our jailor from the Central Jail has gotten retired and decided that he now needs to get a wife and a new occupation. So he became a tailor - there was a good reason behind his choice of profession, but I totally forgot it since it was so boring and long-winded. Complete article...